Published at

    05 Mar, 2025

    Author

    Gripastudio

    “Retirement is supposed to be a time of rest, a reward for decades of hard work. But what happens when your family still expects you to provide—financially, emotionally, and in every way? In Indonesia, retirement isn’t just a personal milestone; it’s a family responsibility. Many retirees find themselves unable to step back, carrying the weight of expectations long after they’ve earned the right to rest. Is there a way to redefine retirement, to support our loved ones without sacrificing our own well-being? Let’s explore how to shift from provider to guide, from financial giver to wisdom sharer, and finally embrace a retirement that feels like retirement.”

    I entered retirement prepared—or at least as prepared as one can be for a life transition as significant as this. Years of financial planning, disciplined investing, and careful decision-making meant that when the time came, I could step back with a sense of security. I had envisioned this stage of life as a time of freedom—a reward for decades of hard work. Time to slow down, pursue passions, and, perhaps most importantly, rest.

    But even with all that preparation, one thing remained unchanged: the unspoken expectation that I would always provide.

    For many Indonesians, retirement is not an escape from responsibility—it’s simply a continuation of it. The role of provider doesn’t retire when you do. Children, grandchildren, extended family—there’s always someone looking to you for guidance, for wisdom, and often, for financial support. It’s part of our culture, deeply ingrained in the way we live.

    And yet, as I look around, I realize my situation is not the norm. Many retirees in Indonesia reach this stage far from ready—financially, emotionally, or both. Instead of enjoying the fruits of their labor, they find themselves still working, still striving, still carrying the weight of responsibility. Why? Because our society doesn’t view retirement as an individual milestone. It’s a family affair.

    ### Retirement in Indonesia: A Different Reality Unlike in Western cultures, where retirement often signifies independence—traveling the world, pursuing hobbies, and relying on a well-planned pension—retirement in Indonesia carries a different meaning. It is deeply intertwined with family expectations, duty, and the collective well-being. In my view, many Indonesian retirees: - Do not have sufficient savings or investments to sustain them without relying on their children. - Are expected to remain providers, either financially or as caretakers, even in old age. - Feel a strong cultural obligation to put family needs above personal comfort. And here lies the challenge: _How do you embrace retirement when you are still expected to provide?_ When do you finally get to say, _“I have done enough?”_ To make matters more complicated, there is often **guilt** attached to the idea of stepping back. Many retirees feel that if they stop providing, they are abandoning their duty. Society has reinforced this mindset—parents are supposed to sacrifice endlessly, and the eldest in the family is expected to take care of everyone else. But at what cost?

    Retirement in Indonesia: A Different Reality

    Unlike in Western cultures, where retirement often signifies independence—traveling the world, pursuing hobbies, and relying on a well-planned pension—retirement in Indonesia carries a different meaning. It is deeply intertwined with family expectations, duty, and the collective well-being.

    In my view, many Indonesian retirees:

    • Do not have sufficient savings or investments to sustain them without relying on their children.
    • Are expected to remain providers, either financially or as caretakers, even in old age.
    • Feel a strong cultural obligation to put family needs above personal comfort.

    And here lies the challenge: How do you embrace retirement when you are still expected to provide? When do you finally get to say, “I have done enough?”

    To make matters more complicated, there is often guilt attached to the idea of stepping back. Many retirees feel that if they stop providing, they are abandoning their duty. Society has reinforced this mindset—parents are supposed to sacrifice endlessly, and the eldest in the family is expected to take care of everyone else.

    But at what cost?

    The Weight of Always Providing

    I know retirees who, despite working hard all their lives, have never had the chance to rest. Their savings were spent on their children’s education, their pensions used to support family emergencies, and any financial cushion they built was eroded by the cultural expectation that the eldest—or the wealthiest—will always step in when needed.

    There is a Javanese saying: “Urip iku urup.” (“To live is to give light.”)

    It reflects the belief that our existence should be of service to others. And while this is a beautiful philosophy, it can also be a heavy burden—especially when the giving never stops.

    Some retirees find themselves still working well into their 70s not because they want to, but because they have to. The sense of duty overrides their own needs. Some even feel guilty at the thought of prioritizing themselves.

    But is that really what retirement should be? Shouldn’t it be a time to enjoy what we have built, rather than continuously striving to support others at the expense of our own well-being?

    ### The Shift: From Providing to Guiding For those of us who have spent decades providing, the question is not _whether_ we should continue supporting our families, but _how_ we do it in a way that is sustainable—both financially and emotionally. Retirement doesn’t have to mean withdrawing from family responsibilities, but perhaps it requires redefining what it means to “provide.” Instead of providing money, perhaps now is the time to provide wisdom. Instead of providing financial support, perhaps now is the time to provide guidance on financial independence. Instead of carrying the burden alone, perhaps now is the time to teach self-reliance to the next generation. We must remind ourselves—and our families—that while we have given for years, true legacy is not just about how much we leave behind, but what lessons we pass on.

    The Shift: From Providing to Guiding

    For those of us who have spent decades providing, the question is not whether we should continue supporting our families, but how we do it in a way that is sustainable—both financially and emotionally. Retirement doesn’t have to mean withdrawing from family responsibilities, but perhaps it requires redefining what it means to “provide.”

    Instead of providing money, perhaps now is the time to provide wisdom.

    Instead of providing financial support, perhaps now is the time to provide guidance on financial independence.

    Instead of carrying the burden alone, perhaps now is the time to teach self-reliance to the next generation.

    We must remind ourselves—and our families—that while we have given for years, true legacy is not just about how much we leave behind, but what lessons we pass on.

    Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

    One of the hardest things for retirees is learning to set boundaries, especially in a culture where saying no to family feels like betrayal. But boundaries are not selfish; they are necessary for long-term well-being.

    Allow me to share how we can start shifting the expectations:

    Communicate Early and Clearly. If retirement is on the horizon, start conversations about expectations early. Let your family know what you can and cannot do. Be honest about your financial limits and encourage them to plan for their own future.

    Shift From Giver to Teacher. Rather than simply giving financial support, teach the younger generation about financial independence. Encourage them to save, invest, and plan early so they don’t repeat the cycle of dependence.

    Redefine Your Role. You can still be a pillar of support, but in a different way. Offer mentorship, emotional guidance, and wisdom instead of direct financial aid. Your experience is more valuable than money—it’s what ensures that future generations don’t face the same struggles.

    Learn to Prioritize Yourself. It is not selfish to want a retirement where you can rest, pursue hobbies, or simply enjoy life. After decades of hard work, you have earned the right to step back. Allow yourself to receive the same kindness and care that you have given to others.

    Encourage a Cultural Shift. If we want future generations to experience retirement differently, we need to start changing the way we talk about it. Normalize the idea that parents do not owe their children financial support forever. Encourage younger generations to plan for their own future, rather than expecting parents to carry the burden indefinitely.

    ### A Retirement That Feels Like Retirement Retirement should not feel like a continuation of financial stress or endless obligations. It should be a time to enjoy what you have built, to celebrate a life of hard work, and to finally prioritize your own happiness. But in a culture where family always comes first, how do we balance tradition with self-care? Perhaps the answer is not in choosing one over the other, but in finding a middle ground—one where we continue to support our loved ones, but not at the cost of our own well-being. There’s another Javanese saying that I hold onto: **“Sepi ing pamrih, rame ing gawe.”** (“Less concerned with personal gain, more focused on meaningful work.”) Retirement doesn’t have to mean stepping away from responsibility, but it should mean stepping into a new role—one of wisdom, of balance, and of leading by example. Because in the end, the greatest gift we can give our families is not just financial support, but the ability to stand on their own. And perhaps, that is how we truly _provide_—not just for them, but for the generations to come.

    A Retirement That Feels Like Retirement

    Retirement should not feel like a continuation of financial stress or endless obligations. It should be a time to enjoy what you have built, to celebrate a life of hard work, and to finally prioritize your own happiness.

    But in a culture where family always comes first, how do we balance tradition with self-care? Perhaps the answer is not in choosing one over the other, but in finding a middle ground—one where we continue to support our loved ones, but not at the cost of our own well-being.

    There’s another Javanese saying that I hold onto: “Sepi ing pamrih, rame ing gawe.” (“Less concerned with personal gain, more focused on meaningful work.”)

    Retirement doesn’t have to mean stepping away from responsibility, but it should mean stepping into a new role—one of wisdom, of balance, and of leading by example.

    Because in the end, the greatest gift we can give our families is not just financial support, but the ability to stand on their own.

    And perhaps, that is how we truly provide—not just for them, but for the generations to come.

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